I Can't Always Get What I Want

Some thing that’s come up in therapy for me is figuring out what it is that I want and asking for it. It seems pretty damn innocuous and easy — I should know this, right? And yet, it’s becoming increasingly apparent, that I tend to not advocate for myself and things I need and want.

So starting out with the needs seemed like an easier task because these are things I supposedly couldn’t do without and were a bit more of a priority for me. Whether this was at work — where I just tend to go with things and find it very difficult to speak up for myself (though I do) or in my non-work life.

The needs, I’m slowly warming up to and advocating for myself here has been somewhat a bit of a smoother ride. Though I still wince when I hear myself speak up, but I know it’s an uphill battle I need to be able to master at some point in my adulthood.

The wants and desires though, feels a bit more out of reach. To be fair, there are points when I ask myself, what is it that I want and I honestly come out blank. I know what I’m willing to settle for. I know what a nice compromise would be, but actually just putting out what it is I want is so freaking hard. I don’t know if it’s me being realistic or me setting myself up for less disappointment, but for sure, it’s related to childhood (as everything seems to be).

I’m trying to exercise this muscle and preparing myself for possible rejection by just asking. My grandma used to say, the worst thing someone can say is no. And really, it won’t kill me. So I’m going to keep trying. If I ask something of you in the next few weeks and I sound strange and constipated, please know I’m just trying to work my way through this. I will figure out what it is I want eventually and I will ask.