This Got Messy

We’re about 6 months into working from home and this pandemic is still ravaging the world, with not so much as a light at the end of the tunnel in sight. And though Singapore is slowly decreasing its daily cases and even slowly opening up to Phase 3, it’s still been a pretty tough couple of weeks.

I don’t think I have the right to complain at all, given just how amazing the city is handling all of this, but somehow, I still feel out of sorts. It’s been a couple of weeks of ups and downs, very small ebbs and flows, and honestly no drama in my life, but I don’t know why I just feel so… not myself.

Hey, hi, hello. Just a quick reminder. You are under an EXCESSIVE amount of stress right now.

Even if no-one you know is sick. Even if everyone you know still has a job. Even if your everyday life hasn't changed all that much.

I mean a truly OUTRAGEOUS amount of stress.

— Susan Arendt (@SusanArendt) September 22, 2020

Then I saw this tweet (I know, I’m doomscrolling like crazy) and I kind of felt a bit more seen? Because things aren’t bad for me at all, but I just can’t figure out why I’m this way. I’m doing my chores. I’m doing my work — and boy there is a lot of it (I’m grateful for my job), but there was literally a day when I just sat down and looked at my to-do list and stared at it for a couple minutes. Checklists usually give me comfort because it’s just a guide of what to do one after another. but I felt paralyzed by it.

And i’m sticking to my routines (though a bit all over the place). I’m not waking up as early as I used to. I still find comfort in doing my daily workouts because it’s a sense of accomplishment — even if I’m not pushing myself as hard when I do work out. It’s probably the only thing I kind of look forward to in a day. It doesn’t matter how shitty the rest of the day was, if I got my 10K steps in and whatever exercise is slotted for the day (a run? a cycle? a swim? some yoga? tennis? a hike?), I feel like the day was ok.

I honestly don’t know what the point of this entry is. I’m ok, I think so no need to worry too much. I’m trying to be more forgiving of myself when I don’t end up doing something on the checklist (gasp!). I’m trying not to judge myself for being on my phone waaaaay more than I used to be (the weekly report judges me every week enough already) and I am watching a lot more TV than I have in the past couple of months, so I guess self care?

How is everyone dealing these days? How is everyone coping and feeling? Tell me I’m not alone.