I Just Want to Be Ok

I am prefacing this by saying this entry is going to sound so incredibly selfish all things considered, but it’s been bothering me so much that I hyperventilate so I hope it helps me process things by writing it down.

I wish I could say I was doing better in month 2 of this circuit break, but I’m not. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still grateful for everything I’m privileged to have: that I still have a job, that allows me to work from home and that I have the means to connect virtually with family and friends who are somehow still healthy and okay generally speaking.

I guess this month has just been me coming to terms with the fact that this isn’t going away anytime soon and that has increased my anxiety (already at baseline high) on overdrive. I’m a natural worrier and though I’ve been trying to be more present and mindful and just over-all zen, I’m not zen by nature.

I wish I were, really. I wish I could be the type that doesn’t worry but I am and it sucks because this would be infinitely easier. So what is it I worry about?

Well, the things I’m grateful for? I’m worried that can all change at the drop of a hat. That I could lose my job? The job market is not great and with all the news of all the layoffs especially in the tech industry, I’m so worried that one day I wake up to a zoom call telling me I’m fired. And that means I lose my pass for living in Singapore and I know this is spiralling but here I am anyway.

Then there’s the fact that any of my loved ones get sick. My dad is a front liner back in Manila and god knows the infrastructure isn’t supporting healthcare workers or just anyone and he’s not young! And he lives at home with my mom and our helpers and they’re all not young so this is prime material! Then there are siblings who live in the US — another hotbed for this craziness and it’s just worrying me all the time.

Then there’s the house hunt in a time when you can’t actually view places in real life. I’ve loved where I live now with my lovely flatmate/friend and I know our rent is unreal so having to adjust to the real world pricing and hoping to find a place before our lease is up is also adding to the loveliness. And I’ve got so many lovely friends offering me a place to crash but the thought of packing up twice in a couple of months just has no appeal for me and I am just hoping I can settle this.

Then there’s the fact that I’m actually missing physical touch. Who knew greeting a friend with a hug or being able to greet a friend in person was something I took for granted? I know there’s a video call but giving a friend a hug or receiving one when you’re not feeling so good does immense good for me. And well, that’s not something we can get soon.

I haven’t been in therapy for a couple years now but I’m seriously considering it again on top of everything just because it might bring me some sense of peace even for an hour a week. I’m also open to suggestions on this as I do my research.

I know that the end is not near and that things are always in flux and that I should just chill the fuck out but it’s getting harder by the day. So yes, I hope June brings me a better sense of calm and a better mental state because these past few weeks have not been my best. How is everyone coping?